


oh, i am not quite sleeping - csjoko - "songfic"

by americanaspacecadet



Series: GoopCast / Lunch Club One Off Fics [4]
Category: Lunch Club, SMPLive
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, It's All Connected Baby!, M/M, Relationship Struggles, Songfic, Wasps!, vivid imagery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23442517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americanaspacecadet/pseuds/americanaspacecadet
Summary: soulmate /ˈsōl ˌmāt/noun“a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”--song used:The Predatory Wasp of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us - Sufjan Stevens
Relationships: Cooper Schulz/Joko, Joko/Amanda | SassChan (background)
Series: GoopCast / Lunch Club One Off Fics [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1556836
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	oh, i am not quite sleeping - csjoko - "songfic"

**Author's Note:**

> GET YER TISSUES FOR THIS ONE, FELLAS.
> 
> fr tho i cried a LOT writing this
> 
> pls enjoy :,)
> 
> <3

soulmate  **/ˈsōl ˌmāt/**

_ noun _

“a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner.”

  
  


_ thinking outrageously, i write in cursive _

_ i hide in my bed with the lights on the floor _

he’d given up hopes of sleeping hours ago - even though the rest of the house had already shut down for the night - he is wide awake, blue and black and red ink smearing on his hands as he frantically writes letter after letter to a boy - pure and vulgar, warm and cold, sweet and sour - who will never read them. his back aches from the hours spent hunched over hundreds of sheets of lined paper, each one growing more and more illegible from mania and teardrops running down the boy’s nose. candles and lanterns glow golden on the floor in the early hours, a small  _ blip  _ from his alarm clock reminding him that he was another hour closer to daylight, to realization, to recognition.

_ wearing three layers of coats and leg warmers _

_ i see my own breath on the face of the door _

he remembers that day as if it was yesterday - hunkered together around a bong, fierce boston winds whipping and roaring against the fragile windows. they laughed maniacally when one boy had been locked outside, doubling over when he crawled through the window, recoiling from the midwinter bites of snow. the boy smiled as the scent of the sea snuck in, sea salt mixing with the scent of weed and sweat and yerba mate.

“pass it to me.”

“no! you’re the one that got locked outside!”

his favorite boy took it from the bickering pair, breathing in the milky-grey smoke before letting it drift from his mouth like the fog that covered the harbor. he looked to the blond with hooded eyes, a lazy smile on his face that sent the latter’s blood and butterflies to all the wrong-yet-right places.

_ oh, i am not quite sleeping _

_ oh, i am fast in bed _

he blinks, and the image is gone, replaced with another favorite memory - the days before  _ she _ had taken his place on his romeo’s side, taking his attention and his time. they’d been driving somewhere, laughing and screaming along to the radio.

“whatchu starin’ at, headass?”

he blushes. “your dsl, bro. no straight boy got a mouth like yours.”

the boy laughs, eyes crinkling just right in the corners, canines just peeking out from his lips. the blond laughed with him, gripping the edge of the seat to pull himself just enough out of the moment, to keep himself sober. he couldn’t kiss him. not yet.

_ there on the wall, in the bedroom creeping _

_ i see a wasp with her wings outstretched _

he jumps when his phone chimes, heart skipping when  _ his  _ name rolls onto the screen.

_ ‘diner. pancakes and bacon. coffee with whipped cream. getcho ass over here.’ _

he debates the invitation for a moment, eyes flicking back to the screen when it chimes again.

_ ‘not an option. u got 2 minutes to respond. lesgo.’ _

he curses.  _ ‘fine. be there in 10.’ _

a kissing-face emoji blinks back in return, putting the blond’s heart in his throat as he rolls out of bed. a movement in the corner of his eye pulls his attention, and he flinches at the wasp that shivers on the wall. he picks up a spare shoe, and wanders over.

“quit reminding me of that summer,” he snarls, slapping his shoe against the wall, against the wasp. “he doesn’t love me.”

the pest tumbles to the floor, fluttering its wings weakly before fading away. he scoffs, shoving his foot in his shoe, and pulls a hoodie over his head. grabbing his skateboard, he runs out of his bedroom, out of the group house, and into the shockingly starry l.a. night. he drops the board, steps on, and rides off towards the diner.

_ north of savanna, we swim in the palisades _

_ i come out wearing my brother's red hat _

his mind wanders back to the road trip as he flies down the pavement, absentmindedly guiding himself over the broken sidewalk. they’d taken it for fun, quitting their jobs with a bird and a laugh before sprinting to their shared car.

“goodbye, freak of a boss,” he sighed, laughing to himself. “ _ child birthing hips  _ my ass.”

“i dunno man, she might’ve had a point,” the boy teases, sneakily poking at the other’s hips. “you do got a dumpy.”

“shut  _ up _ you fag,” he snorts, pushing at the boy’s hands. “you’re just jealous.”

“that the boss had the hots for you instead of me? totally.”

he laughs, starting the engine before pulling out of the parking lot and onto the highway. he picks absentmindedly at his thumb, heart catching when the boy grabs his hand.

“what did i tell you about that?” the boy teases, a soft smile on his face. “no good for your skin, bro.”

he laughs. “yeah, yeah. hey, how much money you got saved?”

“uhh… probably somewhere in the thousands. why? you forget to pay rent again?”

“no,” he wrinkles his nose. “i wanna take a roadtrip.”

the boy grins. “why didn’t you say so? i’ve been bothering you for months about taking one! why now? why the change?”

“lack of funds, dude,” he says. “and we still had the job. we couldn’t just leave l.a. whenever we wanted.”

“well now we can!” the boy yells, a blinding grin on his face. “you and me, yeetin’ along the country, doin’ whatever we want.”

he grins. “i love it. da boys, fear and loathing style, tearin’ it up.”

the former nods. “hell yeah. hey, speaking of thinking about things.”

he tenses. “what’s up man?”

“you’ve just seemed … distant, lately. i might be reading the scene wrong, but i feel like i did something.”

he freezes. “no no no, you haven’t done anything! i swear,” he says, nerves creeping into his voice. “just … thinking about quitting the job, y’know?”

~~joko~~ the boy  ~~ joko ~~ shakes his head. “pull over.”

he  ~~ cooper ~~ he grips the wheel just a little tighter, faltering with the realization that his hands are shaking just enough to stop him. he pulls into the carpool lot, parking suddenly. he watches each individual finger on the wheel twitch out of place, tumbling out of line from their rightful places - he focuses on trying to get them back to normal, just to avoid looking at the boy watching him expectantly from the passenger seat. his mind races as he realizes  ~~ joko ~~ the boy is still holding his hand.

“what are you not telling me, man? did something happen? who do i need to kill?”

he  ~~ cooper ~~ grits his teeth, nausea rising and head spinning. he takes his hand from  ~~ joko’s ~~ the boy’s grasp, curling in on himself.

“cooper!”

“i’m gay, okay!” cooper screams, tears streaming down his face as he whirls to face joko. “i’m fucking gay, okay? i like dick. i like dudes. gonna run for the fucking hills now? gonna call someone to get you away from the fucking fag - ”

cooper stalls as joko wraps his arms tightly around him, pulling the former’s head into the crook of his neck. the blond sobs, hands fisting in the latter’s hoodie.

“cooper,” joko murmurs. “i’m not running. i’m staying right here.”

_ there on his shoulder, my best friend is bit seven times _

_ he runs, washing his face in his hands _

the more cooper thought about it, the more he realized nothing really changed. he and joko still made the same jokes, still went out for late night food runs and shitty diner stops, and still went on the road trip. they’d driven all along the west coast, stopping at the palisades park to stretch and swim for a while before finally driving home.

“hey, coop,” joko calls, wandering up to a tree. “you see that?”

the blond runs up to him. “that’s a fuckin’ wasp’s nest, dumbass. leave it alone.”

joko laughs, absentmindedly grabbing cooper’s forearm in one hand, and a rock in another.

“don’t - ”

“dubs!” he shouts, throwing the rock at the nest and bolting, tugging cooper along with him. “c’mon, dude!”

cooper yelps, the sound of angry wasps buzzing in his ears. he flinches when a stinger makes contact, diving into and under the ocean waves.

“joko!” he calls as he resurfaces. “get in the fucking water!”

the brunet dives in next to him, pulling the other boy under.

_ oh, how i meant to tease him _

_ oh, how i meant no harm _

cooper opens his eyes, ignoring the burn of the salt. he taps joko’s hand, prompting him to open his eyes. he obliges, grinning like a maniac at cooper’s bewildered and frustrated expression. he takes his hand, and pulls him up.

“are you stupid?” cooper shouts. “what if one of us was allergic?”

joko flushes. “i wanted to see what would happen.”

cooper bristles. “you got stung seven times. i got stung twice. you should’ve known better, dude.”

“i’m sorry, okay! is that what you wanted?”

“i  _ want  _ you to stop being so reckless!” he retorts, gritting his teeth. tears bubble in his eyes. “i care about you, jackass!”

_ touching his back with my hand, i kiss him _

_ i see the wasp on the length of my arm _

joko’s mouth snaps shut, and he drifts to where his feet can touch the cool sand. cooper follows.

“i hate when you pull shit like that,” cooper murmurs.

“what do you want from me, man?” joko challenges. “i’ve already apologized.”

cooper can feel his heart crumble, fear coming in to fill the cracks. he grabs the back of joko’s neck, kissing him roughly. he nearly splashes back under the waves as joko shoves him away.

“are you fucking joking?” joko shouts. “first you get pissed at me for doing stupid shit like i always do, then you turn around and  _ kiss me _ when you know i’m straight? are you fucking kidding me, cooper? i accepted you because you’re my friend, and that’s what friends are supposed to fucking do! now you’re coming onto me when you know i’m talking to someone?”

cooper’s heart falls to his feet. “what?”

“yeah. amanda? remember her? we’re supposed to go on a date on friday? do you even fucking listen to me anymore? or are you too absorbed in  _ you  _ to hear me?”

venom fills cooper’s veins, dragging him down under the waves, under the sand, under the crust of the earth.

“let’s just go home, cooper,” joko grumbles. “i’m getting cold anyway.”

_ oh great sights upon this state! hallelujah! _

_ wonders bright, and rivers, lake. hallelujah! _

joko grips the steering wheel with white knuckles, his other arm resting on the windowsill of the driver’s side door. he looks away when cooper climbs into the car, still not starting the engine even when he’s buckled in. the car is silent - cooper never turned the radio on - and joko takes a deep breath. he moves to speak, but cooper beats him.

“just drop me off at the lunch house,” he murmurs, facing the window. “i’m sure your date with amanda will go well enough that you won’t want me at the house.”

joko bristles. “no.”

he starts the car, tearing from the parking lot. cooper’s leg bounces, his thumbnail scraping against the skin of his index finger. joko hates how much he can still see the boy next to him, and still see the road at the same time. they pull into the lot of their shared apartment faster than he would’ve liked, having spent the ride home in silence when it should’ve been full of shitty music and too-loud laughter.

_ we were in love, we were in love / palisades! palisades! _

_ i can wait, i can wait / trail of tears and horseshoe lake. hallelujah! _

“joko?”

“go inside,” joko murmurs. “i’ll be inside in a minute.”

cooper flinches, but leaves, taking his bag into the house. he scratches at the bites littering his skin.

he can feel the weight of joko’s stare all the way into the stairwell.

_ we were in love, we were in love / palisades! palisades! _

_ i can wait, i can wait / trusting things beyond mistake. hallelujah! _

joko’s heart pounds, fingers flexing and relaxing against the faux leather of the steering wheel. he grits his teeth, the force of his jaw enough to shatter the fragile bones in his mouth. curling in on himself, tears slip weakly from his eyes while his fingers tug roughly at his hair. the pain from the bites shoots along his too-warm skin; it’s all too much. a choked sob leaves him, a breath of regret and pain and misfortune, of fear and indecision. he can’t do this on his own.

he calls her.

_ we were in love, we were in love _

_ palisades! palisades! i can wait, i can wait _

“hey!”

“amanda?”

she stops in her tracks, tasks at hand momentarily forgotten as his broken tone filters through the phone.

“hey, joko, what’s wrong?”

“he kissed me, amanda. he knows i’ve been talking with you, he knows i’m straight, he knows - ”

“joko, joko,  _ breathe _ ,” amanda soothes. “what doesn’t he know?”

the brunet freezes. “what?”

“what doesn’t he know, joko? is there anything you’re not telling him?”

the boy thinks for a moment.  _ too-long, lingering stares. holding his hand. movie nights. diner dates at four in the morning. sharing joints. splitting chores. dancing contests. sharing the bed after nightmares. one boy in the shower, the other at the sink.  _ he blinks once. twice.

the silence is telling enough. “joko?”

“i’m so fucking stupid,” joko breathes. “i’ve been killing him.”

amanda smiles into the phone. “no you haven’t. does he love you? yes. do you love him too? i’m sure, but in your own way.  _ tell him.  _ what he doesn’t know  _ will  _ kill him in the end.”

_ we were in love, we were in love / palisades! palisades! _

_ i can wait, i can wait / lamb of god, we sound the horn. hallelujah! _

cooper flinches when his bedroom door opens, sea salt and freshwater salt mixing and blurring and staining his ruby red face. he sniffles.

“cooper? buddy?”

he scoots over out of habit when the bed dips with joko’s weight. the  _ thump  _ of the brunet’s sneakers hitting the floor meets his ears, joko’s breath brushing the back of his neck when his head meets the pillow.

“look at me.”

cooper refuses to move, clinging tighter to the old wool blanket that still smelled of hot chocolate and sandalwood, of the boy he’d clung to so tightly.

“ _ please. _ ”

the blond finally submits, flipping slowly. joko’s heart tears sharply, regret and remorse stinging the backs of his eyes. he reaches out carefully, waiting for cooper to push him away, to scream at him, to call him a monster.

it hurt more that he crawled into his arms without hesitation.

it hurt the most that he fit perfectly against him.

“joko?”

the weakness in cooper’s voice - the weakness that joko had caused - stung. just like the wasps on the beach. 

“yeah, coop?”

he hiccups. “can i kiss you? one last time? i don’t care if you say no, i just need the cl - ”

the blond jumps when joko sits up, pulling him into his lap. he frames cooper’s face with his hands like binding on a priceless painting, his thumb skimming over the boy’s cheekbone.

“i’d be an idiot to say no.”

_ we were in love, we were in love / palisades! palisades! _

_ i can wait, i can wait / unto us your ghost is born. hallel - _

cooper glides up to the diner, kicking the board into his hand and ducking in the door. the warm smell of fresh cinnamon bread and hashbrowns greets him, along with the old woman who’s owned the place for as long has cooper can remember.

“hey, diane,” cooper smiles. “where is he?”

she laughs. “back booth, like usual. and leave that board by the door, you critter.”

he snorts, dropping the board before moving to the back of the diner, heart panging at the sight of the brunet’s head.  _ it’s not too late to turn back,  _ he thinks, heart still stinging at the memories of that summer.  _ you can still make it out alive. _

_ i can't explain the state that i'm in _

_ the state of my heart, he was my best friend _

he takes a deep breath. sits down.

joko takes his hand across the table. gives him a grin.

“there’s something i gotta tell you, coop.”

_ into the car, from the back seat _

_ oh, admiration in falling asleep _

mornings lit with strings of christmas lights. nights lined with silver threads of smoke. dawns of waking up in each other’s arms. evenings of dinners and movies. bitter diner coffee with just a little too much creamer and not enough sugar. runs along the coast. trips to the pier. scraped hands and knees on concrete ramps. snaps of camera shutters and the echo of microphones.

“i’m in love with you, cooper.”

_ all of my powers, day after day _

_ i can tell you, we swaggered and swayed _

dancing in the living room. stuffy suits at meetings. loosened ties and energy drinks afterwards. rooftop dinners. highrise hotel rooms. convention halls. vinyls crackling after playing just a bit too long. chocolate voices and sea salt laughter.

“what about amanda?”

_ deep in the tower, the prairies below _

_ i can tell you — the telling gets old _

redwood forests and stinging deserts.

“we decided it was better this way.”

freshwater rivers and worn down asphalt.

“what way?”

too much skin under a searing california sun.

“you and i.”

_ terrible sting and terrible storm _

_ i can tell you the day we were born _

cooper takes joko’s other hand, squeezing it tightly. he can see diane in the corner of his eye, her daughter quietly cheering him on from the kitchen window.

he leans across the table, bumping his forehead on the brunet’s.

_ my friend is gone, he ran away _

_ i can tell you, i love him each day _

“ _ kiss me, jackass _ ,” joko whispers, a teasing smile on his face.

_ though we have sparred, wrestled and raged _

_ i can tell you, i love him each day _

and he does; grinning into the kiss, barely dodging the long forgotten coffee joko had ordered an hour before cooper showed up. he couldn’t care less about the slightly burnt taste barely hidden by watered down creamer - not when he could taste the love of his life right then.

like the ocean on a stormy day.

like the wind brushing through a redwood’s branches.

like home.

_ we were in love, we were in love _

_ palisades! palisades! i can wait, i can wait. _


End file.
